Sometimes
by TrashMonkey
Summary: Bella is only human, and sometimes she loses grip on her emotions, just like everyone else. A small dabble about the mind and heart and what it feels like to be alive and ashamed.


Okay, let me explain. This was written at 1:05 am, while I was flipping through Twilight. And for some reason I kept thinking that Bella really handles the whole 'Vampires are superior to humans' thing quite well. I mean, if I were her I'd be desperate to find at least one thing I could do better then them. And then I thought what can Bella do better then the Cullens? Duh, being human obviously. So I figured why not add a little emotion to the mix? Make her -want- to be better then Edward at _something_…so yeah, here you go. Again, it's late, I haven't written anything in months, and this is my first Twilight Fanfic, so please…mercy:x

Character belong to Stephenie Meyer, I own and know nothing.

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Sometimes, when the rain stopped on rare days, and the sun shone on the constant wet grass, she'd stand outside in her yard.

It was a strange thing to do, she knew that, but she couldn't help herself. The wind would be heavy with the constant threat of rain, while the forest surrounding the small house would close in. And she could almost swear the trees were breathing her in. It was a funny thing to think actually, since the plants needed her carbon dioxide to live, and she needed their oxygen the breath. They fed off one another, her and the forest.

She stood now, in her green lawn, eyes and mouth closed, sucking in the air slowly, like drags off a cigarette. She wasn't graceful, that was a given. Or terribly smart, or beautiful…but she was a pretty girl, who knew what needed to be done. And she needed this more then she'd care to admit. Just standing and breathing…

Throughout her relationship with the fickle vampire she'd learnt to appreciate the quiet moments in life. Things were rarely simple between them, and he made it a constant priority to take care of her when ever possible. But today was an exception. Today she was alone in the sun, warm and alive.

She loved him; it was almost painful to be out of his presence at times. Almost all the time really. But these sunny moments were hers, however small and un-necessary they appeared to be. She didn't like being away from Edward, but this was more complicated…

Things like this usually are.

It was something she'd never admit in her entire life, but she found it irksome that her new friends, a coven of vegetarian blood-suckers, seemed to have absolutely everything a human could possibly wish for, yet they didn't appreciate it. They had beauty beyond compare, wealth like she couldn't imagine, and a loving, supporting family…They had everything yet acted so flippant towards their acquired prosperity. And in this thought a small, tiny, infinitesimal seed of resentment grew to form her greatest shame.

These sunny moments when she was alone were not only to clear her head but almost to brag. To show those who watched, the trees and the birds mostly, that she had something over these eternal beings of youth and beauty…she was _human_.

She wasn't breathing for show, she was breathing because if she didn't then she'd die. Her heart was beating in tune to nature, and her pulse quickened with the wind. The blush on her cheeks was from the life blood pumping in her veins, alive and mortal. She was human and they were not. They drank blood and she did not.

It was the one thing their splendor and money couldn't buy…humanity.

She would always appreciate things a little more then they could, like the feel of warmth in her pounding heart. And even though she loved her new family, her feelings could not be helped. She was human, and felt the jealousy brewing inside her. It wasn't huge and overbearing, like the monster it could be. But it was enough to make her feel guilty about what she did in her yard, flaunting her mortality in a blatant display to show up her new friends.

Another breath, broken this time…she couldn't do this anymore.

The forest wailed with the gale and she turned around, heading back inside. It didn't matter that she loved the sun and the warmth inside her belly when the wind tickled her hair. She would spend the rest of her life in a dark hole if it meant an end to this dishonor.

The moments were hers, yet not. They filled her with the joy and shame of living while people close to her could never feel the same. The way you feel when you throw out huge meals while children in Zimbabwe starved. She was ashamed of her humanity because it was something her loved ones could never get back.

Human…oh, to be a human.

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Reviews are grand


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